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Pouring Out My Heart

Discretion. It’s not exactly a quality I’m known for possessing.

Transparency, yes. Vulnerability, definitely. But discretion, not really.

Lest you think this is going to turn into a “woe is me” kind of piece, though, never fear. That’s not the direction I’m going.

There’s a wonderful word in Spanish, desahogarse, which basically means to let out all that’s troubling you, to get it off your chest. For the sake of sanity, it’s something we all need to do. There’s something infinitely valuable about having a few trusted friends in whom we can confide those things that are causing us turmoil. However, some of us overdo it and blurt out way too much to too many people—and of course, all too often there are undesired consequences.

What God has been impressing on my heart, though, focuses less on my need to conquer this tendency toward indiscretion than my need to replace it with something of much more worth: pouring out my heart to Him.

I’ve been around long enough to take note of a distinct pattern in my life, which is that my times of greatest intimacy with God, and my greatest peace, have been those times in which He has been my Number One Confidant, times when I’ve poured out my heart to Him before–or even instead of—unburdening myself to others.

It makes sense if you think about it. When I share my heart with someone who truly listens, I feel valued and understood. When I pour out my heart to God, the same thing happens, but in a more all-encompassing way.  I’m reminded that the God of the universe is intimately interested in me, that He cares about all that concerns me, that His love for me is deeper and wider and stronger than any other love, and that He’s holding me tight and won’t let me go.

If I’m experiencing this kind of profound affection and acceptance from Him, I’ll be much less apt to let indiscretion take over my conversations with others.

This is not to say that I don’t need to be real with those around me. God made us for relationships and authenticity. It’s just that I’m seeing the wisdom of going to Him first with my frustrations, fears, and inadequacies, my concerns about loved ones, my anger with situations or people,  or even, simply, my own sometimes-crazy thoughts.

And when I come before God in honesty, pouring out the hurt and pain and loneliness and fear and frustration, the channels are opened for me to receive His healing. I love how Ruth Myers puts it in 31 Days of Praise: “When my heart is overwhelmed, I’m more aware of my need to cry to You…to take refuge in You…to rely on You…Thank You for the ways that my shortcomings and failures bring pressure on me to open myself to You more fully, and the way they let You show me deep and hidden needs: griefs and hurts that I’ve never poured out before You, that I’ve never exposed to your healing touch, and sins that I’ve never faced and acknowledged.”

“…pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.” –Psalm 62:8

If He tells us to do this, it’s totally a worthwhile thing.

And just maybe, as I turn first to Him, discretion will gradually become part of my make-up.

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Pursuing Kindness

Kindness has many faces, many forms, but essentially kindness is love in action.

What is always true of kindness is that it touches hearts and communicates worth.

And when my family filled out little notes for my mom this past Mother’s Day, thanking her for the many ways she has touched our lives, I realized that we were basically thanking her for a world of kindnesses.

Thank you, Grandma, for staying home and decorating the Christmas tree with me while everyone else went to the soccer tournament.

Thank you, Mom, for rubbing my legs at night when I had those horrid growing pains as a kid.

Thank you, Grandma, for fixing me grilled cheese sandwiches and lemonade.

Thank you, Mom, for pulling Chloe in that little red wagon, doing lap after lap around the hem-onc floor at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles.

Thank you, Grandma, for reading me my favorite books when I was little.

Thank you, Mom, for teaching me to drive stick.

Thank you, Mom (this from my brother), for loving my pets as if they were your own kids.

Of course, I’m doubly blessed, because I have my birth mother as well. She’s treated us to all sorts of fun things, but more than that, she too is a model of someone who practices kindness by visiting friends who are ill or in need, taking chicken soup or other goodies to those who need a boost for their bodies or souls, and generously sharing her many talents in photography and gardening.

Kindness.

It’s what John in his letters tells us is so integral to authentic faith, what he says shows the world the truth of who God is.

It’s what reminds the people around us that there’s a God who loves them. And don’t we all need to be reminded of that enduring truth?

Yet it can be easy to fall into habits of harsh words or bitter, critical spirits.

It can be hard to be the sort of person I aspire to be, someone who lovingly seeks to refresh the souls of those around me with a word of encouragement, a smile, or a kind deed.

Yet God….Yet God showed His love for us by embracing us at our worst, when He of all beings could have simply resorted to anger and criticism. And He tells me to be strong not in my own goodness or kindness but rather to be strong in His grace, trusting that the One who is kind beyond all measure will fill me to overflowing with that same lovingkindness.

And so I take a few steps. I smile because I know He is good and because my family needs the warmth of my smile. I do little things like fold clothes that someone else left in the dryer simply because I want to bless my loved ones. And I pray that God will open my eyes to ways in which to not necessarily do more but be more–be more thoughtful, gentle, considerate. I do this not because I’m avoiding the teaching of responsibility but because I want my family to know that they have worth, worth in my eyes and in the eyes of the God who loves them.

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Embracing Worth

When 2015 came along, I thought I’d try something new and ask God to impress upon me one word for the year, one simple word that might help focus my scattered interactions with Him and His Word, one simple word that might serve as a kind of Adderall for my soul.

Worth was the word that most resonated with me. The more I pondered it, the more I sensed a yearning to pursue and treasure the things of greatest worth in God’s economy.

I longed to experience a deeper awareness of my own worth in God’s eyes rather than fall victim to the self-deprecating thoughts that tended to harangue my mind.

I wanted to cultivate more loving ways to affirm the worth of those around me rather than allow bitterness, irritability, or apathy to control my attitudes and actions.

And I hoped to invest in more activities of eternal value rather than take the passive route by wasting time on mundane pursuits.

All this began last January, and here it is June. While my journal offers proof that I’ve at least thought about things of worth, there’s really little fruit. To be honest, in these last two months I completely forgot about that concept of worth. My ADHD of the soul has been out of control.

So I tell myself that perseverance is of great worth in God’s economy, that it’s time to start taking that little pill once again, time to once again be intentional about this.

It’s time to reconsider and re-embrace the concept of worth.

This time, though, I’m going to try sharing my journey. While I realize that the blogging world is being overrun by folks doing much the same thing, and chances are that few people will ever read these words, I also know that it’s the process that matters. Cultivating, creating, communicating with even a few people–there’s joy in that–and how much more if this helps me to focus on–and lay hold of–a little more of God’s grace while seeking what’s of worth in His eyes.